The concept of worthlessness was thoroughly explored, examined, and assessed. It was great. It was immense. It was poignant. It was everything that made a person feel terrible. It was what made a person die inside. It was something that could kill. It was tedious. It was horrendous. It was ….
It was simply too tiring to complete this post.
“How much effort does it take to do this…?”
And she had no idea that to the rest of the world, it would have been too much to even ask from them, for that help, time, and commitment she was always so willing to offer.
So much more than anyone else could give in return.
Some people say things they don’t mean.
Others say things they don’t know if they mean.
Some times we trust.
Other times, we think we trust.
Some take words lightly.
Others take light words seriously.
How do we balance the emotions of indebtedness against the strong resistance to trust?
How do we tell when to say what we feel, and when to trust what others say they feel?
They told me “You’ll never find the answers”.
“She doesn’t like to talk about her past.”
“Why would she ever tell you things she’d kept in her heart since forever?”
“I don’t think she really knows either.”
“We’ve known her this long and she hasn’t said a thing about it.”
“She’s not going to open up to you.”
I guess they were right.
I never had to find the answers; she gave them to me.
It took time, trust, and an understanding – things that some did not want to spend or offer.
Now, if only they had used the time to listen, instead of speculating…
That quiet man there – he keeps his head lowered as he works tirelessly. He’ll shoulder the loads and go the extra mile as long as it’ll ease someone’s burden and get the job done.
He is technically skilful. In fact, he is over-qualified for any work he does.
He speaks eight languages. He has an invincible grasp of human needs. He understands the depths of Man’s emotions.
But no, he wouldn’t speak – at least, not unnecessarily.
When the day ends, he ties all the loose ends even as everyone else rushes off and bunches up in crowds to chat. As they disperse, he walks down the dark pathway, against the bustling traffic, alone.
That quiet man there – I wonder, why does he do what he does? What goes on in his mind?
Behind a cold, distant front, was a woman who was emotionally-fragile.
Behind the diffidence, was a lady with a dogged determination for independence.
Behind the reticent demeanour was her passionately beating heart.
And beneath all of these, was a broken past that she had never spoken about.
The complexities of her thoughts and the reasons for her decisions prove difficult for one to comprehend at the outset. She had given up much of herself to fulfil the dreams of those around her. She had struggled with emotional battles that few had even thought about. She had forgotten herself in the midst of giving. While it was a conscious choice she had made, I couldn’t help but wonder – Why?
During the rare occasion of her openness, heart-rending stories were revealed. Things that were never shared with those closest – because there was no need to brag; much less any reason to justify. “They will know when they know.”
I was privileged to listen and feel, and be amazed.
She knew better this time.
Even as she felt the knots scrunching up in her tummy, and the creepy-crawly sensations that slid around within her chest, she merely let out a soft sigh.
Her fingers itched to call him, but it was less than two months since they last spoke.
No matter how much it took for her to suppress the urge, she was certain it would get easier. Watching the clock tick made it better, she persuaded herself. As long as day turned to night, she was certain she could let the feelings pass too. Perhaps it would be better not to make any rash moves, she reminded herself. She did not need another rejected call to ascertain that he cared less for her that he claimed he did. It wasn’t the first time she had to endure such emotions, and it surely wasn’t the last.
But she would learn, she reassured herself.
It had taken years, but she was positive that she could learn not to think of him.