What did you want?
What did you decide?
What did you expect?
What didn’t you know?
What didn’t you understand?
What didn’t you get?
Some days, when expectations and hopes get high, disappointment strikes hard and misery cripples even the most rational of minds.
He heard the song on radio, repeating lines he no longer knew if they were true.
He hadn’t realised how much his life had changed since he had met her.
It had only been three months since their last meeting, but each day that went by without her presence felt worse.
He didn’t want to change her life; he couldn’t, anyway.
The knowledge pained him – wanting so badly to, yet knowing he shouldn’t, couldn’t, and wouldn’t.
It wasn’t as if she would agree to it; she had too much to lose.
It wasn’t as if she would, anyway; because she would never know.
No, he didn’t want to change her life, but he missed every moment he once had with her.
He didn’t deserve her time. He wasn’t entitled to see her smile. He had no right to hold her. Because someone else did.
“And I don’t want to change your life…” the song played on.
Didn’t he? How imprudent of him to have gotten into this state. Pathetic, to say the least.
He knew he couldn’t change her life; he could only walk away and slip away into the darkness…
it’s been awhile since words were scribbled.
it’s been awhile since the mind worked.
it’s been awhile since the heart could express itself.
but such is life. when things die away, it takes time to get over it.
and sometimes, even time cannot heal.
The concept of worthlessness was thoroughly explored, examined, and assessed. It was great. It was immense. It was poignant. It was everything that made a person feel terrible. It was what made a person die inside. It was something that could kill. It was tedious. It was horrendous. It was ….
It was simply too tiring to complete this post.
“How much effort does it take to do this…?”
And she had no idea that to the rest of the world, it would have been too much to even ask from them, for that help, time, and commitment she was always so willing to offer.
So much more than anyone else could give in return.
Some people say things they don’t mean.
Others say things they don’t know if they mean.
Some times we trust.
Other times, we think we trust.
Some take words lightly.
Others take light words seriously.
How do we balance the emotions of indebtedness against the strong resistance to trust?
How do we tell when to say what we feel, and when to trust what others say they feel?
They told me “You’ll never find the answers”.
“She doesn’t like to talk about her past.”
“Why would she ever tell you things she’d kept in her heart since forever?”
“I don’t think she really knows either.”
“We’ve known her this long and she hasn’t said a thing about it.”
“She’s not going to open up to you.”
I guess they were right.
I never had to find the answers; she gave them to me.
It took time, trust, and an understanding – things that some did not want to spend or offer.
Now, if only they had used the time to listen, instead of speculating…